journey of 30 days not drinking and re-quitting smoking.
Song of the day : ‘Return of the Fly’ - Misfits
DAY 23
Its taken a few weeks but there has been a bit of a shift in how i’m able to think, in that my brain wont shut up. I couldn’t sleep till 4am last night as i keptthinkingf ideas to try for the designs im working on. It’s not bad, in that I’m using some of them and a few made me laugh, but there is a feeling of ‘ok, you can shut up now dude’. I also have occasional moments of noticing im feeling paranoid. (that is an important distinction though, to ‘notice’ you feel a certain way, rather than just be like that and think you don’t have a choice. I cant do it with everything, but with quitting smoking being able to do that with the moments of having no patience or wanting to smoke i’ts been really useful). I was getting paranoid about the work i was doing, which is strange. I am quite critical, but the bizarre tangents i encourage in putting some of the images together or making music, now starting to think it was too fucked, didn’t make sense and would a bit late to start thinking about that now….I do have a reason for why things go together, it’s all on purpose, I know that..so why am I forgetting it? I realized it’s because my mind is getting bored at the pace and is racing off and finding other things to think about. This is definately a reason I realized why id drink, it’s to slow me down. I don’t think there is anything really a problem with this development, in fact there is a positive way to look at it, in that left racing off I mostly just seem to want to help myself and don’t so much have a self destructive side to me ( note to my 21 year old self )…..So some easier getting to sleep would be welcome right now, but i think with some work this will end up being a good development. It kind of feels like my thoughts are a running around full of sunny-d and sugar child pointing at things and shouting at random, so maybe i just have to start pushing it into more of a structure on purpose over just giving it some beers and telling it to go sit down. I think it’s more literal in that i haven’t really ever spent time learning ‘how to think’, I just know more stuff, but not how to use it. You aren’t really ever taught that, maybe that’s what happens to people, they never grow up in that way and end up just getting older and madder and told they are depressed or need medication, or drink too much etc. I know this all sounds really over-simplified, but I think that it’s not so far from the truth with me…….I feel like a stupid person who’s slowly realizing they’re stupid….. shit, wish me luck.
DAY 21
Today is the 3 weeks mark! Smoking has been forgotten about and seems like something I did a long time ago..it’s not missed and just doesn’t actually come up as a thought at all. I’m also getting used to not drinking. It gets easier the more I fill my time with other things, and becomes less of finding something to do instead of going to the bar, and more i can’t go to a bar because I’m doing something.
The random elements of going out and the night going off on tangents are missed. Its not really going to happen; bar hopping drinking water, no matter how much lime I put in it, and sober I am very aware what I’m doing….I’m finding not drinking to be very stable, which was expected and wanted to get work done, but there is good and bad that comes with that.
Other three week not drinking things that I’ve noticed are -
- money! i immediately have more, I bought a new bike and that couldn’t happen if i was drinking this month. The need to spend money to get cabs at 3am doesn’t come up right now, neither do the not remembered taking out $41.50 ATM bank statement notices.
- losing weight! This is something i expected and a reason I hear from people to quit drinking, Im finding it true in some ways.With not drinking litres of carbonated liquid 5 times a week, within 4 days my stomach was flat and I stopped feeling bloated….However Im now eating well and notice im actually hungry…So I have lost weigh a bit as there is no after the bar has shut getting Lakeview grilled cheese happening and I don’t ever feel like making food in the middle of the night right now, so it has happened, but drinking has a lot been replaced with eating properly and getting calories from food, so it hasn’t all been drastic. This is way better though. HOWEVER! there are physical changes in that going to the gym is having a noticeabe affect as it isn’t just damage control from the night before, work is making changes rather than just trying to make it not so bad.
- ‘beer goggles’ I don’t really like that expression, but its the best way to explain this part. Sober I’m finding people way less attractive. It’s more genuine as of course I still think some people are. Definitely standards stay raised.
So from working out, to work and creative projects i do feel like I’m wasting my time less and , well, it’s true, being productive is the best feeling. Saying that, I am missing the random adventures I used to have right now though.
Song of the day
DAY 18
Today was good weather so I went out a for a few hours biking west of the city; mostly listening to the same few BJM songs….Im now sitting in my bed, have the song above playing and have opened up photoshop, and thats the rest of my evening planned. I was asked to do a ’canada themed’ last bar table design and I’ve so far collected some images I like from post-war advertisments encouraging people to emigrate to Canada, the cover of the Neil Young ‘Trans’ album and stills from ‘Videodrome’…..also some more stencil and tshirt information to find out…..
So Day 18, I am a bit restless. Im going to get things done and I’m not in any way bored, thats the wrong word. It definately is restless. Sundays have mostly been just going off by myself out somewhere. i sometimes call friends, but usually end up meeting people. I’m not finding a lack of things to do, but there are somethings that I do enjoy, where alcohol is an element of being in that situation… i know there is the argument of ‘you can go out and not drink’….yeah, but nuh-uh. To an event or a band, yes sure, but to a bar to just talk to people who are drunk is (to me at least) no fun at all….
Song of the day ‘Just For Today - Brian Jonestown Massacre
I realize ‘Just For Today’ is an addiction recovery slogan, it is a coincidence, but I did notice..very funny there universe.
DAY 17
By now I’ve been around bars and people smoking enough that ive forgotten about smoking myself. There isnt really a trick to it and i don’t think you need books or forums or nicotine replacement …you need to stick to not smoking for two weeks, whatever. That’s it! There is nothing more to it. Don’t smoke for two weeks and it’s over. I’ve had the ’ I don’t have the willpower’ comment come up when people have spoken to me about smoking, but my view is, you actually get to decide that.. You don’t get a set amount of ‘willpower’. You decide what you do. Why not? Decide it does work like that. I don’t know know if i have more willpower? Is it like a number value? I don’t know what that even means.
Try and keep to yourself and not have conversations about smoking or anything that will make you think about it more than its doing already…dont make it harder and cut down as much as possible things you can react against from the side affects….. There has been a few cabs shouted at while biking ( they totally deserved it), i’ve been way more blunt and impatient as you dont really have that buffer….but mostly i dont think there is any real ‘me being a dick’ apologizing from quitting smoking to be done.
Last night was my friend Dana’s birthday. I made her a pun-based ‘happy birth dana,’ t shirt and as i had the letter stencils and paint and a pile of shirts out; I also made myself one *above photo*, the balloon was a congrats on making 2 weeks gift from my pal Erika and is left floating around my room and was floating into shot. Im having some realizations about why I drink (other than ‘it’s fun’) that will be in another post, but being sober in a bar on friday night where a lot of people are wasted, feels like being on an alien planet….more on that the next post….and Happy birthday Dana!
Im djing my friends burlesque show tonight and been getting music together for that. Song of the day.
DAY 13
My friend tagged me in a Facebook post with, ‘taking a page from Martin and not drinking for a month.’
My response was ‘prepare to be 10% more considerate, get laid less and buy a new bike’
It was written as a joke, but it’s not untrue. So I’m leaving it at that for today.
Song of the Day.
Droppin bombs on your moms
DAY 12
Quitting smoking has a horror movie ending of ’think the monsters dead, then as you get closer one final lurch before it really dies’……It’s been getting steadily way better then day 10 was it’s indian summer….and since then, not much that isn’t ‘catchable’ at all. Some coughing and a vague taste of smoking when im bike riding, and I sometimes have a slight pull and tight chest feeling…
*above picture, day 12, less annoyed and slightly dazed and full of coffee*
There is something unexpected in not drinking, that’s how much some people are bothered by it. Ive not much been to bars, but I have friends who work in them so ive gone by and hung out with for an hour or so….I dont really know why or how this affects anyone else, it isnt about what anyone else does, but certainly it brings out people wanting to tell me how great drinking and smoking are…. drinking yes, sure, ive not stopped cause it cant be fun…but smoking it doesn’t ‘do’ anything, even when I did, I’d come up with some reasons why I liked it if i was asked, but really it was just a thing I did, I definitely never felt the need to tell people who didn’t smoke that they are missing out and how great it was. I don’t believe you. I did for years, I do know…..I’m finding it weird. I expect some commenting and would be suprised if people who know me, weren’t a bit ‘wtf martin’ but dont expect anyone to even much notice unless they are ever doing something similar.
It doesn’t sway or change what I’m doing when people say anything good or bad, but it does get noticed who is being cool and who is being a dick about it. While it doesnt change anything, being supportive, or just letting someone get on with something that is hard for them, even if you could or couldn’t do it, or understand or not, is a good sign that you are a bit more secure in yourself and is being much appreciated.
Song of the day.
DAY 9
I had to leave last night before uploading the DAY 8 video…… so watch that…..then.
This.
I’m learning interesting things about what is a habit and what is addiction. I was addicted to cigarettes, when I didnt smoke for a day id want one, after a few days id have the withdrawl that ive talked about…..and once that is over, starting again starts up the whole process. Quitting smoking this time is easier without having the long term psychological pull of wondering what not doing something you’ve done for 15 years it like, and the unknown of having that taken away…..I’ve done it for 4 months before, and nothing changes. Life not smoking is quite spectacularly exactly the same. I didn’t find smoking gross, or look down on people that did, it just quickly made no sense. So quit smoking, there is a week-2 weeks of being extremely pissy and not thinking clearly, then it’s done and end up baffled why you did something for years…..
One last thing about smoking, then i think im probably done with it being anything to talk about. When you quit smoking you gain weight. Ive been told this by different people, even down to specific, ‘oh you gain 8lbs when you quit’….. well…nope. It’s not a rule, it’s up to you. It never made any sense….if you dont eat more you dont gain more weight, right? So Ive been thinking where this comes from as you hear it a lot. My take on it is, when you smoke it tells your body to release sugar immediately into you bloodstream, thats why you briefly feel more alert and focused smoking…You end up associating the two and your body does it itself way less. When you stop smoking there is a sugar crash and I noticed myself buying chocolate a couple of times in the first few days… This is also why I stated looking this up, as I never buy chocolate and wondered why I was going off the well loved path of salted savoury snacks. It takes much longer for sugar to get into your blood stream naturally, so maybe you over eat that kind of sugary food?… but if you are aware that this is what is happening, you can just decide to not do it. That’s the only difference i noticed with diet. The blood-sugar level change also explains why you cant concentrate for a while after quitting, but that rights itself pretty quick.
….and well this probably goes without saying, but nicotine patches, gum, electronic cigarettes ( you know you look like a tool)…well,fuck em’… just stop and it’s really intensely shit and then it’s all over in a few weeks.
Drinking however, I dont think about it, I dont feel any withdrawl when I dont drink, but it was for sure getting into too much of a time consuming and expensive habit. So last night was complicated. After a few hours djing at the bar; drinking water and lime, i started to question my self imposed rule. It wasnt exactly that everyone around me was drinking, it was that I had to be there and I was working, so I wasn’t choosing to be there over doing something else, and if I did drink there; it wouldn’t cost me anything, which was my other consideration. I was there for ‘work’ and it wasn’t cutting into me not getting enough done, which was the thing i mostly wanted to address by the whole undertaking…..so after thinking about it a while more, at about 12am i got my water and lime with vodka, then the next one…..and then that was pretty much it and ended back on water. I didnt get drunk in any way…. So I can justify it with my reasons for doing this, but ya know, I dont feel I want to though. I found a loophole and everything was fine, but this is all my own thing im making up anyway, i can change it. I dont like that I talked myself round, eventhough I can see totally see why it’s ok and I can make a case for why it doesnt count. Fuck it, this is my thing I can change it, so im going to add that time onto the end of the 30 days….Smoking however, thats gone…
Song of the day (yesterday) is the song i ended my set with last night. It’s often ‘to the end’ by Blur, but didnt bring it, so changed it to this….this is good too.
Song of the day , DAY 9. I remember asking if captain sensible could come to my 7th birthday party.
DAY 6 cont…..
Serge is whiskey and Gauloises, but this is good waking up music. play once in the morning.
DAY 6
The mass of manic wtf energy of nicotine withdrawal has made it hard to sleep,and that sleep when it does come; brings with it crazy vivid straight to DVD style action movie dreams.
The consuming nicotine withdrawal symptoms have for the most part stopped. I still dont feel like myself, lack a degree of patience, it’s hard to concentrate and am still feeling sick, but it is; however way way better. The feeling of wanting to flip a table if someone trys to talk to me when im working has now gone. As this is also day 6 of not drinking and concequently not going to bed between 4-8am, I was up, out and passing McDonalds at 10 this morning and had a rare urge to get breakfast there.. (I know McDonalds….but sometimes that greasy, paper-pulp potato scented puff of air that is the hash browns)…..also something that should be obvious, but i only really thought about while I was sitting there eating, was that Im actually hungry now im not drinking… there are 3000 - 4000 calories a week that aren’t happening….I also found hot sauce in my bag (yeah, i don’t know either), which I’m seeing as another beautifully timed sign of encouragement.
song of the day :
DAY 5
Brain.Don’t.Work. is day 5.
It takes me a really long time to think and I notice im not quick or funny. I ran into someone I know and was very, ‘oh yeah, the weather is good today’ or something. I’m really slow and it is frustrating…definitely not myself.
I also in the midst of all this wholesomeness, I’m somehow sick like i have a cold ….I just googled ‘quit smoking sick’ and got a yahoo answer of ‘yes its normal, your body is having a nicotiene fit.’ I like it described as a ‘fit’. It does feel somewhat like a part of me is having a kid wanting something and throwing the biggest public attention seeking shit-fit! I’m doing the parent ignoring it them till they tire themselves out part…… Yeah, that’s exactly what quitting smoking is like.
It is really tempting to give in to it and behave appallingly, as most of the filter i have is gone…but i’m trying to genuinely enjoying some of the bizarre comedy vitriol that seems to be jumping in to my conscious thoughts.
I really wanted to go out tonight to a bar to watch music documentries, but the rare feeling sick is scuppering that….I walked down the hallway and Admiral Ackbar fell off the doorbell to remind me it’s a trap. Thanks.
Song of the day is from one of the docs they playing tonight :
